Feel the fear and do it anyway.
– Steve Garrigan, Kodaline
I did something.
I did something for myself – for my soul, for my sanity.
I played my songs in public – twice – this month of February.
I finally got out of my own way.
It started out after a co-worker casually said that I write a song for him. This would normally not do much to me, however, this co-worker, Monico, was about to leave the company to migrate to the US. So, naturally, this casual request for a song held some weight.
And so a song was written. It’s called ‘Before You Go’. I collaborated on it with another co-worker, Novella, who added some much needed lyrics and provided a better structure to the song. We finished the song and performed it for Monico two days before his scheduled last day in the office. It was all tear-jerky and all lovely.
That weekend, still on a slight high from performing an original song in front of a few people, I ended up spending hours and hours digging through old audio recordings I have on my phone. I found stuff I’d completely forgotten I’d recorded. I even found the one and only lovey dovey love song I’ve ever written – I’d completely forgotten it ever existed, but there it was. I was listening to it. It was a proper love song, something I don’t normally write about.
The new week came and another co-worker, Kim, then suggested that I play a song for a pre-Valentine thing in the office. Feeling as if the universe was telling me something, having just found the lovey dovey love song a day before, surprising myself, I said I’d do it.
After a bit more brainstorming and digging through more old songs and a discussion with The Love about me agreeing to play for the pre-Valentine show, we ended up uncovering more of what were love songs. Love songs, just not as lovey dovey.
I presented the options to Kim the next day to get a feel of exactly what this pre-Valentine thing was going to be about. I had three songs. He heard them. Then he goes on to say, ‘I like that order.’ That discussion ended up with me having to play three songs within 15 minutes. And again, surprisingly, I agreed.
I looked at this gig as my busking hours. I was clocking in my busking hours. These hours were necessary so I’d feel worthy to stand on the magical and hallowed stage that is a 22 Tango event.
I practiced and practiced and practiced.
Then Thursday, February 13 2020, happened. I was meant to play ‘Love Song’ (aka lovey dovey love song), ‘Breathe You In’ and ‘Here With You’. I spent the remaining hours before the show in a bit of a panic because I couldn’t figure out how to properly sing parts of ‘Here With You’ – a song I wrote and I couldn’t figure out how to sing it properly. So I elected the help of Novella whose lungs I knew I could rely on to guide me to the right way.
The panic of having to figure out how to properly sing the last song took over and I couldn’t be bothered to be nervous. It wasn’t until I stood up and tried to sing it that it came out right. So, now, I had to perform standing up. Something I hadn’t planned on.
I took the stage. Played ‘Love Song’. Got a signal from Kim to only do one more song and so I played ‘Breathe You In’. Glad I didn’t have to be stressed out over ‘Here With You’.
I got off the stage, walked over to what I considered to be my backstage (it wasn’t a backstage) and handed the guitar to another co-worker, Clark, who touched my hand a bit and went, ‘Bugnawa’s imong kamot oi (Your hands are so cold’. Then I told him, ‘I’ve never done that before. I don’t… I’ve never done that.’ Then Clark said, ‘You just did that’.
I paused. Took a moment for myself. I was close to crying coz the nerves were getting ready to leave my system but I chose not to. I chose to just take it in.
A few days after this event, I saw the DemoCrazy Live announcement from 22 Tango Records. They’d scheduled it for February 22, a Saturday. I had time to practice and practice and practice and figure out things.
Now, I’d planned on playing for the last DemoCrazy Live August of 2019 but things just didn’t come together for me. So, seeing this announcement, it only seemed right. It only seemed like the right time. And so, still on a high from knowing I can survive playing live, I told myself I was going to do this – I was going to play for 22 Tango’s DemoCrazy Live.
DemoCrazy Live required two songs. I knew what my final song was right away – without any hesitation – I knew I was going to perform ‘Moonlight (The Ritual)’. I even messaged 22 Tango asking if it was okay that one of the songs would only have finger snapping as an accompaniment. When I got the okay, ‘Moonlight (The Ritual)’ was a lock for song two. My biggest issue was what song one was going to be.
For about a day, I considered playing ‘Darkness and Candlelight’. A song I’m proud to have written but have never played nor sang properly coz I haven’t figured out how to. I thought, being in a very bold mood, that I was going to go big or go home for DemoCrazy Live. Then that song started to not be part of the list when ‘Turn To Stone’ and ‘Self-Destruct’ made themselves be known.
I really wanted to do ‘Turns To Stone’ but as I was practicing, it just wouldn’t come right. It just didn’t feel right. But when I’d play ‘Self-Destruct’, it felt like what ‘Turn To Stone’ couldn’t, for some reason, feel like.
And so I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced. I’m willing to bet the neighbors just hate me by now with all the singing I’ve been doing.
The morning of Saturday, February 22 2020, I had what I liked to call as my ‘final rehearsals’. I was going to give myself an hours’ worth of run through with all the songs but as I was going through them, I could feel the panic slowly creeping up on me. I could feel it coming down my spine with all the demons and the complete and utter dread that came with it. I had to stop and sit down and cradle myself. I wasn’t going to let this feeling win – not today.
I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to fight off the panic as I slowly got ready for the show.
Then it happened – but then it didn’t coz I had some technical problems with my guitar. A complete novice mistake knowing this was technically my first ever gig. To some degree, I was grateful that I had some problems with my guitar because it meant my brain had to go into ‘problem solving mode’ instead of overthinking and empowering the panic.
Instead of playing second, I played third in the lineup. I’d like to thank Redd of 22 Tango for being awesome and saving my sorry ass that day and letting me play using the 22 Tango guitar.
And so I played.
‘Self-Destruct’ opened a bit weird, mainly coz I was still getting to know the guitar, but it all came together. After song one, I handed the guitar back to Redd who then told me I had another song and I said ‘It’s okay, I’m going to do something else with the second one’. I then proceeded to tell the crowd I needed a little help with the finger snapping for ‘Moonlight (The Ritual)’. The finger snapping started out strong then became weak. I messed up a line in the second verse – a line I somehow have the tendency to screw up. Yet, I soldiered on and finished my performance.
I didn’t get light-headed. I didn’t pass out. I didn’t throw up. I didn’t die.
I stood on the magical and hallowed ground of a 22 Tango stage and I survived it.
I just did that.
These past few weeks have been memorable.
I finally figured out a way to get out of my own way and trust on whatever talent I have. I learned that I can keep the panic and the demons that come with it at bay long enough to get through a performance day. I finally figured out that fearless isn’t a thing – coz everyone’s scared of something – but, that being brave is. I finally figured out how to, as Steve of Kodaline said it, feel the fear and do it anyway.
I’ve also finally hit an age where it’s just become tiring to always let the panic and the demons win. I mean, let us have some of the winning and the glory, yeah?
So, this February:
I did something.
I did something for myself – for my soul, for my sanity.
I played my songs in public – twice – this month of February.
I finally got out of my own way.
From This Suok 