Hum of Music and Moonlight

Hum it.

Listen to it.

Play it on the guitar.

Sing it.

I guess I’ve been fortunate.

At an early age I found refuge in music. This bond with music has only strengthened over time.

Now, I’m someone who regularly battles their own demons and darkness, and music has become a bestfriend, an armor, a shield and a weapon.

A few years ago, something happened that triggered the demons and the darkness to come around. They sent their notice and I remember the dread building up over hours and hours and this gnawing, nagging feeling of worthlessness was about to take over. I didn’t want them to take over. I’d gotten tired of them taking over.

Then, as I was about to sleep, I heard a hum – a song.

I’d hung on to hope that the demons and the darkness wouldn’t win. Not then. Not at that moment.

An image popped into my head: the night sky. I was reminded that amidst a dark sky, there are little twinkling stars, but there is also the moon and its light. I was reminded of its immense gravitas that can keep an audience in awe of its beauty as it holds its own in a pool of seemingly empty darkness.

I got up, grabbed my guitar, didn’t bother turning on the light. I hummed and played until my song came into view as clearly as I saw the moonlight in my head.

I didn’t sleep until the song felt complete.

That song is my prayer, my chant – a mantra, if you will. A spell to repell the unwanted and unneeded. It has become a bestfriend. It’s my armor, shield and weapon. At the moment it was written, it was my cure.

Over the years since the songs creation, whenever I feel the demons and the darkness coming around for a visit, I turn to music. I turn to that song.

I hum it.

Listen to it.

Play it on the guitar.

Sing it.

I guess I’ve been fortunate.

Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

Today I woke up wishing there was no need for me to get up. I didn’t want to leave my bed. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to have to prepare for work. I didn’t want to have to face people.

I wanted to stay there. In my space. In the quiet. In the comfort. In the alone.

Today I didn’t want to have to fake a smile. I didn’t want to have to bend my will to cater to other people’s needs and perceptions.

Today, I didn’t want to be here in this today. I wanted to clock out. Be invisible. Hold no weight. No audience. No value.

I didn’t want to die – no, that’s not it.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

I just needed a pause. A breath. A moment. A moment alone so I could piece myself back together in this sudden move of falling apart in peace.

Today I knew I wasn’t stable. I knew I was on edge. I didn’t want to have to bring other people into this current caustic path.

I wanted to be alone in the darkness. Alone with all the unseen chaos and destruction. Alone with my demons.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

Alas! This isn’t what being an adult is about.

Being an adult has its ground rules. Unspoken, unwritten but all understood by all since the beginning of civilization.

An adult must suck it up, get it together – have it together – no falling apart. Just get up, get up, get up – SHOW UP!

Show up.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

… Today I didn’t want to show up.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

I guess, sometimes, it’s not about being victorious and winning the day. Sometimes it’s about soldiering on – remembering it’s just a bad day.

I’ll forever question why there isn’t an emotional sick day. Why there isn’t a way to call in sick for the day coz you’re emotionally unstable without gaining questioning and suspicious glares from people who don’t understand.

This is where we are today. Where we still are. Yet there is beauty in the fact that we’re able to talk about it now. Able to voice things out no matter how much your voice quivers or how quiet it is.

There is beauty in realizing we all have our demons and we all deal with them in our own way.

Some days, you feel brave. Some days, you just can’t be brave.

Today I write from the other side of today. I’m still here. Still wishing I didn’t have to show up.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]

Today I’m feeling a little braver.

[Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.]