‘Oh… You know… Developed a sensitive stomach, the pandemic plus me – a high functioning severely depressed being going through some intense things… It’s been lovely.’
Me to a friend
Facts.
I lost weight – a good 80 or so pounds from what my feeble-in-maths mind can calculate – but I am in no way shape or form any healthier now than I once was.
Ever since The Love and I started dating, his thing has always been, ‘I don’t want you to lose weight for the sake of losing weight. I don’t mind the weight. What I want is for you to be healthy’. There have been arguments aplenty over him trying to get me to have a healthy lifestyle. He finally got through on the first three quarters of 2019.
We both went on the Keto diet. I know this diet has mixed reviews but it actually worked for me.
This was the thing that made me realise how it’s truly a reevaluation of your understanding of food and your relationship with it that can help jump start that weight loss everyone seems to always chase after.
If you haven’t redefined your relationship with food, no diet can ever get you anywhere.
So, Keto worked. I had energy. I wasn’t craving things I would normally crave for. And I was losing weight.
Then I got sick – okay, wait, I’d been sick for a long time without bothering to have myself checked.
Turns out I’m severely anemic. So severe that I could’ve died had I not finally caved (cos… You know… Born and raised in a 3rd world country where part of adulting means you can’t be sick… Also… I’m stubborn… I don’t like admitting defeat) and gone to a hospital where I required blood transfusion (quite the experience but that’s for another blog).
Naturally, I had to start taking iron supplements after. Now, iron supplements on their own does things to your tummy.
This led to me having such a bad tummy ache December of 2019 that I had to go to the hospital again and admit to yet another defeat cos my stomach just couldn’t live with me anymore… Or something like that.
That whole episode left me with a sensitive stomach, no longer allowed to consume spicy food, dairy and, really, everything that makes life beautiful, meaningful and exciting. On top of all that bleakness – the most life-altering one – I could no longer have coffee (can you believe this shit?!?!).
I welcomed 2020 knowing I couldn’t consume the way I used to with a need to redefine my relationship with food yet again (this time, without coffee… Cry with me now).
On top of that, 2020 brought upon some major life changes – pandemic aside. When I say major life changes, I mean major life changes. The kind that take you out of your comfort zone and leave you filling out multiple journals with anger, frustration, resentment, defiance, tears… Amongst other things.
I went through the first half of 2020 with hardly any appetite for anything. Food. Drinks. Nothing. I didn’t want to consume anything. I felt no need to. Yet I knew I needed to eat. I would eat incredibly tiny portions enough to get me through the day.
The Love would do whatever he could to get me to eat but then even when I did eat, I could only stomach so much.
This whole time, people around me were saying that whatever was happening to my stomach might be caused by stress. I kept saying, ‘No… Cos… That’s not how I am with stress… This is not stress’.
Meanwhile, this whole period, my creative brain was thriving. I was constantly writing and making things.
Fortunately, May 2020 brought about the beginnings of a new horizon.
For the first time in nearly six months, I decided to give coffee a try. Feeling somewhat confident that I’d gained some of my old self back. Yes, it was 3in1 but, goddammit, it was coffee.
(This first mug of coffee after six months activated my soul so much that I began working on one of the best poems I’ve ever made. I’m so proud of it. Thank you, coffee. Seriously.)
The 2nd half of 2020 was me recovering and rediscovering my appetite for food again.
Throughout my recovery, I spent the entire time thinking that my weight loss was simply due to my ever changing relationship with food. I was constantly getting to know my body – what I could and couldn’t take. I was happy with this theory and walked into 2021 knowing I understood the physical journey I was on in 2020.
Then… The Love, with his beautiful brain and his capacity to know me better than I know myself, came in with a shocker.
One night, as we were having our usual existential conversations, he said, ‘I know now what happened to you last year and why you weren’t eating… It was your depression’.
It was my depression.
Everything clicked.
The thing is, as unhealthy as my relationship with food had been, I’ve always understood parts of it:
I’m a stress eater – Put me in a high-stress environment, I will eat like there’s no tomorrow.
But… Depressed? I don’t eat. I hardly consume anything.
I learned this about myself after I lost my father. I lost so much weight that that Kerly was the ‘skinniest’ Kerly.
Well, second only to the Kerly now.
I’ve had to work and do ‘adulting’ for over 12 years of my life now that I’ve become such a high-functioning depressed human being that when depression decided to come down hard on me – with all the changes in my life, the pandemic, the big pause that this pandemic gave that left me to finally deal with my grief over my father and a close friend (well, sort of deal with it a little bit) – that I didn’t recognise it for what it truly was and what it was doing to me. It had taken away my appetite for life.
I couldn’t be bothered to fight to live.
The Love fought hard to keep me but I couldn’t be bothered to help myself because depression is one hell of a monster.
A monster that comes in waves. Where, even a year later, I have moments when the waves come crashing down and moments when everything’s calm.
I repeat, this Kerly now is no healthier than the Kerly before. If anything, this Kerly now is even unhealthier. Entering my 30s mean my body doesn’t function like it used to. The phrase, ‘Youth is wasted on the young’, has quite a different meaning now that I feel extra aches and pains.
What irks me throughout this journey though is how quick people are to compliment you when you’ve lost weight. It’s as quick as they are to mock you once you’ve gained weight. I’ve seen both sides now and it’s infuriating how we’re so comfortable passing judgement over someone’s weight as if it’s all they are – their weight.
This is something that we are all on the receiving end of but women, most especially, are under scrutiny of.
I’ve had a man say I could apply for pageants now. My only thought was, ‘Whatever gave you the impression that I’m one for pageants?’
I’m a firm believer in the fact that women aren’t meant to be some decorative thing to be looked at. Women are so much more than that. Women, if we wanted to, were made to fuck you up.
I will not be some pretty thing to be looked at.
I will continue to create.
I will continue to write. I will continue to learn. I will continue to sing and make songs. To make things out of raw materials. Create something out of nothing.
My ultimate goal is to go back to dance.
Oh, I cannot tell you how that’s the thing that makes me want to get up and get to know this new body I have so I can harness it and create and express with it. My heart could burst at the thought of it.
But I’ve to build myself up to get back to that. Gain strength. Bring some oxygen to my blood and lungs.
I will dance again.
I knew posting my new profile photo would gain a reaction. Hardly anyone has seen me for over a year. The reason for changing it was cos the old photo was no longer true – I no longer have those chubby cheeks nor that green hair. I wanted to say, ‘This is 32 and this is me now’.
I’ll tell you what my favourite thing has been though: it’s all my female friends, not necessarily complimenting the weight loss but, encouraging the new journey. A journey they too are familiar with. Women supporting women.
This is why I wanted to share my story. The dramatic and trivial parts of it. It’s necessary to know what lies beyond a photo.
There’s more to us than being a being to be looked at.
From This Suok 